Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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