i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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