when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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