saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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