I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
