the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
