We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
