Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
