so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
