Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
