I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
