you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
