I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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