i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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