I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
