i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
