P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
two words...techno handjob
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
