Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize