every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
