Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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