how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize