explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
