Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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