my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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