booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize