I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
