Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
