i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
