So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
