Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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