Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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