Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
