i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
