One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
