3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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