my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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