I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
