What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
