And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
