Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
