it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Come see our sink grown plant.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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