Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
