I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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