you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
