i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
