i don't like sucking hair
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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