I cannot find my penis.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
