Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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