M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
