just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
