I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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