Will you blow on my dice?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
