In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
