where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Randomize
