I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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