Only a mothe r could love this liver
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize