Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
