what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
