How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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