So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Less talking, more tequila
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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