I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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